Dalston Mummies now nearly as Yummy as Stoke Newington Mummies – Official!

Researchers from prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College for Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) have revealed the astonishing results of a three-year research programme into local levels of mummy yumminess.

While Stoke Newington mummies – previously undisputed leaders in yumminess – still top the ratings, Dalston mummies have increased their yumminess quotient by a factor of 17.3%, bringing them into second place, a new high for Dalston, and leaving them only 2.12 ‘yums’ behind their Stoke Newington sisters.

Research project head Dr. Irving Letch explained the system he devised to achieve these results: “Basically, the equation is very simple,” he told the Mercury. “We take a random sample of mummies in several locations and record their glossiness of hair on a scale of one-to-12. We then divide this number by the ampleness of bosom over length of skirt, multiplied by the coquettishness of walk and divide by the square root of the number of Bugaboos counted in each location. This gives us the definitive yumminess quotient for any given sample.”

Asked how Dr. Letch and his team go about acquiring this data he told us: “Normally we video women from my car. Sometimes from behind bushes, y’know, if the weather’s nice and there aren’t too many rozzers about.”

Homerton mummies have also made progress in the most recent yumminess ratings, up 3.61 yums on the year, although Haggerston mummies have dropped a point since 2015.

Clapton mummies are still dogs, apparently.


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