Goldsmith Camp Reacts to Poll Drubbing

Following yesterday’s election rout, a spokesman for London Mayoral flop Zac Goldsmith has been speaking about his master’s humiliating ineptitude at getting Londoners to vote for him.

pic.Zac Goldsmith
Zac Goldsmith at yesterday’s count (Sadiq Khan out of picture, to right)

“I think we ran a good, positive campaign,” said cringing lickspittle Jonty Forelock-Wilson at last night’s count, “we just didn’t accuse quite enough people of being terrorists.”

Asked to expand on this blathering nonsense Mr Forelock-Wilson continued: “In retrospect, our ‘calling people terrorists’ tactic was only partially successful. Next time we have to concentrate on accusing a wider demographic of terrorist sympathies. We have to hit everyone, actually, not just Muslims. I mean the Irish, the Caribbean community, elderly charity volunteers, the French, nuns and, of course, junior doctors. Terrorists, the lot of ’em. We just didn’t see the programme through this time.”

Discussing his imperious overlord’s immediate plans Mr Forelock-Wilson told the Mercury: “Obviously Zac won’t be moping around feeling sorry for himself – he has plenty to be getting on with. After a short holiday he plans to irradiate the USA’s gold reserves at Fort Knox before retiring to his underwater lair where he will stroke cats and shoot people with lasers. And, of course, he is the sitting MP for Richmond-upon-Thames, so that will keep him pretty busy, what with all the deprivation and the crack and everything.”

In other election news: Apparently Sadiq Khan’s dad was a bus driver.


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