Student leaders at prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) have chained themselves to university railings in protest at the lack of oppressive works of art on campus.
“Once again, the faculty at Dalston University have betrayed the student body by not providing anything for us to protest about,” NUS head Ms Jocasta Tolpuddle told the Mercury, “No statues of colonial robber barons, no looted artifacts, no potraits of phallo-centric Imperial autocrats at all. What the hell are we supposed to get on our high horses about?”
The students are supported in their struggle by Dr Keithly Liverbird, the Aneurin Bevan Professor of Theiving White Bastards at the University. She told the Mercury: “You’ve got to feel for these poor kids. Every other college in the country has a Winston Churchill or a Cecil Rhodes to get uppity about, but here – nothing.”
“We did find a photo of Rolf Harris abusing some children – hidden in in a skip – so obviously we set fire to the canteen and trashed the junior common room about that, but then someone pointed out it was actually a picture of David Blunkett opening a pediatric ward, so we were totally gutted.”
Asked which object of irrational loathing the students would like to see on campus, Ms Tolpuddle said: “I dunno. We’re not that fussy, really. Obviously a Sir Philip Green would be perfect, but we’d settle for a Noel Edmonds.”
“Or a just a generic white bloke. Like I said, we’re not fussed.”
The students’ actions are fully supported by the Chairperson and National Politburo of the National Union of Students.