Dalston Woman: “Foxes Worse than the French”

A local business woman has proposed an innovative solution to Dalston’s growing problem with feral foxes.

Mrs Queenie Calhoun, 57, told the Mercury: “I’ve had enough of the little gits crapping in my yard. If the council won’t do nothing about ’em, then I’m gonna.”

fox
Curtains – a fox in Dalston yesterday

Mrs Calhoun – who is one of the area’s most celebrated slum landlords and proprietor of Calhoun’s, Bush Meat and Exotic Roadkill Specialists of Ridley Road Market – is looking to establish the Dalston and Homerton Hunt in order to keep fox numbers down.

“If the toffs can do it, why can’t we do it here in Dalston,” says Mrs Calhoun. “I mean, if you’re the Duke of Whasisname you can string ’em up any time you like, blow their bleedin’ heads off, sweet as. I hate the little orange *******. They’re worse than the French.”

Mrs Calhoun proposes regular meets during which hunters would congregate at London Fields mounted on motor scooters and accompanied by a noble pack of pit bulls and other assorted devil dogs. Their quarry would be pursued through the park, along Homerton High Street to Hackney Marshes where they would be humanely torn to bleeding chunks. The hunt would then repair to the car park of the White Lion for a restorative pipe of crack.

Support for the idea has been so strong among a certain kind of local person that Mrs Calhoun has already bought herself a red jacket and everything.

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