Dalston Mayor Miles Toob has announced ambitious plans that will see the area’s notorious red light district ‘made as boring as Fulham’.
“We’ve been fantastically impressed by what they’ve achieved in Soho”, Mayor Toob told the Mercury. “When you think of what that place used to be like, what with all the youthful energy and innovation and fun and everything. Disgusting it was. Now, though, it’s all coffee shops and delicatessens, just like everywhere else. This is what we aspire to.”
A key stage of the redevelopment of Dalston will see anything remotely enjoyable removed from the area and replaced by anywhere up to 12 Cafe Neros. These will be operating by the end of the year alongside four Nandos and a Patisserie Valerie.
Protesters have tried to point out to the mayor that Dalston’s notorious red light district actually comprises a single shop selling mildly racy support hosiery and Mrs Hermione Flange, a septuagenarian retired fan-dancer who gets jiggy behind a lock-up down Balls Pond Road when she needs bingo money.
Undeterred, Mayor Toob said: “We will have this pit of vice cleaned-up and looking like Fulham in no time; possible even Putney. Wimbledon, even. I mean have you seen the property prices in those places? Incredible!”
When the Mercury reminded the mayor that a small Dalston bedsit already costs six million quid, he just said “I know. It’s brilliant, innit?”
Then he literally laughed all the way to the bank.
(The Barclays next to the pound shop, if you must know.)