A local entrepreneur is having another go at selling overpriced crap to a gullible public at Dalston’s world-renowned weekly Street Eats market.
“It’s one of the things that makes Dalston unique,” Mr Heston Services told the Mercury, “the fact that people are willing to go out in all weathers and stand about in a car park buying stuff they could get at Tesco’s for a fifth of the price, just because it’s served by some bloke with dreadlocks and a unicycle. It’s what makes Dalston people so special.”
Mr Services, 26, has spent the last year developing his new product which will be offered to credulous morons for the first time next Friday. “The artisanal vegan scotch egg has been a cruel mistress,” said Mr Services, “but I think I’ve finally got the recipe right.”
“Obviously,” he droned on, “being a vegan product, actual eggs are a no-no, and sausage meat is completely out of the question. But the breadcrumbs are made from totally organic locally-sourced, low-carbon, free-range loaves that have enjoyed a full life and died a natural death surrounded by their loved ones.”
Asked what in God’s name he was smoking and where could we get some, Mr Services went on: “No, look, I really think the Dalston public will fall for this one. Christ knows, I can’t afford another screw-up like the vegan lamb chop stall.”
“Or the pop-up restaurant that only sold Hobnobs.”
Mr Services, who studied under both Mrs Beeton and Sweeney Todd, hopes to become successful enough to have his stall trashed by anti-gentrification protesters.