Football Club ‘Will Quit Dalston’ Over Mega-Stadium Plan

The borough’s greatest sporting asset, Premiership hopefuls AC Spartak Dalston, have threatened to relocate to a different area unless the council responds to calls for a new stadium.

Spartak chairman Ryan ‘Nobby’ Clough told the Mercury, “Frankly, we’ve had enough of being given the run-around by this council. We’re taking a leaf out of American sports teams’ books and threatening to do one if we don’t get a new ground, pronto.”

“In the, whasisnames, NFL and Major League Rounders and that, if a team wants a new stadium they simply threaten to move to LA and the council just buys them a new ground, sweet as.”

dalston stadium
A computer generated image of the proposed Stade de Dalston yesterday

“So we’ve told the mayor that we’re willing to move as far as Stamford Hill, possible even Hackney Wick, unless we get this thing sorted. The ball is totally in the council’s court.”

Asked why the need for a new stadium was so great, Mr Clough said: “Well, our present situation is not ideal if we are going to make it to the Premier League within five years. We’re currently playing our home games on the astroturf at Our Lady of the Immaculate Cleavage Roman Catholic Primary School. But we don’t even have permission to do that. We have to shin over a fence to get in. We think that’s one of the reasons our attendances have been so poor recently.”

“And we’ve bent over backwards to help the council,” he continued, spitting quite a lot, “We’ve found a site, we’ve had plans drawn up. All the hard work has been done. All the council has to do is concrete over Hackney Downs and stump up the 620 million quid we need to get it built.”

The bold plan makes provision for a number of affordable homes on the site, “although the players would get first dibs on those, obviously,” said Mr Clough.

AC Spartak Dalston are currently engages in a ferocious battle with hated local rivals Lokomotiv Shoreditch FC to avoid relegation from the prestigious Henderson’s Industrial Bleach 12th Division (South).

We thought about contacting Dalston council for comment but really didn’t think it was worth it.

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