Snubbed by organisers of the official pro-EU letter signed by 250 cultural stars yesterday, Dalston’s creative community has thrown a massive collective huff and decided to back Brexit out of sheer spite.
“It’s just a ******* beauty parade, isn’t it?” said Viktor von Doom, director of the Dalston People’s Theatre, “Benedict Cumberbatch, Helena ******* Bonham Carter, Danny – chuffing – Boyle? Same bloody faces every time. And Paloma Faith? Jesus wept! What’s she ever done? I was running the Twickenham Playhouse – the Twickenham Playhouse! – when she was still crapping her nappy, and she gets to sign the bloody official letter? Well they can stick their EU up their J K Rowlings is what I say.”
Mr von Doom’s views were echoed by a fellow signatory to the pro-Brexit letter, local poet and author Lionel Ebb, 74. “Of course, as a believer in the fraternal brotherhood of nations and the international union of the workers, I have always been a strong supporter of the European Union,” Mr Ebb told the Mercury, “but when I saw that talentless colostomy bag John le Carré was on there, I just knew that the European dream was dead; dead and washed-up on a Southend beach, decomposing like the corpse of a sperm whale baked by the unrelenting sun of unaccountability and euro-nepotism. Seared by the pitiless heat of bureaucracy, bound by red tape to be barbecued by unrepresentative governance and… [editors note – it went on like this for some time until we think he’d forgotten we were there, so we just closed the door and left him to it.]
The anti-EU letter has been signed by many other Dalston artists, including actors and musicians, two children’s party entertainers and that bloke who does reggae covers outside the Curve Garden on weekends. But we’ve never seen any of them on the telly, so we didn’t bother interviewing them.