Dalston Parks to be Laid Waste ‘For Our Own Good’

In a startling development, researchers at the prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) have recommended giving the go-ahead to a huge fracking operation on London Fields, Clissold Park, Hackney Downs and ‘anywhere else around here with squirrels and that’.

London Fields
Artist’s impression of the proposed redevelopment of London Fields yesterday

University Chancellor Dr Euthanasia Lucre, herself an eminent geologist and noted tight-wad, told the Mercury, ‘We accept that the results of our survey will come as a disappointment to those few local people still sentimentally attached to grass and clean air. But the wider community, we are sure, can appreciate the economic benefits of having their lives made a living hell for several decades.’

The university’s geological survey was undertaken on behalf of the Dalston mayor’s office and, coincidentally, several litigious petro-chemical multi-nationals, who only ever have our best interests at heart, apparently.

Although Dalston would not receive a direct share of the huge gas revenues the proposed fracking operation would generate, the area would benefit from ‘a massive boost to local hard hat and clunky boot manufacturers. And all the greasy spoons would do really well out of it too’, according to the report.

Dr Lucre said: ‘These rumours that our survey was in some way partial and that either we or the mayor stand to benefit in any way from our conclusions are totally false’. Asked where her new Bentley had come from, Dr Lucre said: ‘Found it’, and put the phone down.

In unrelated news: The university’s new senate-house, jacuzzi wing, casino, classic car museum and coy carp water feature all open tomorrow. The mayor is off his gourd in St. Tropez, by all accounts.


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