Dalston at War with Boris and French over Europe

Dalston has become embroiled in the row over European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker’s claims that Boris Johnson’s Euro-views are ‘not in line with reality’.

According to Google, Mr Juncker’s phrase ‘not in line with reality’ can be translated from the original Luxembourgian to ‘steaming pile of cobbler’s awls’, ‘well minging putrescence of porkies’, or ‘that which vomits forth from the very mouth of Satan himself. And a Satan with gingivitis at that’.

Luxembourg yesterday

The Mercury asked Mr Juncker why he didn’t save time and just call Mr Johnson ‘a liar’, but we were in Dalston and he was in Japan, so he couldn’t hear us.

The Mercury was able to put the same question, though, to Miles Toob, Mayor of Dalston, who arrived back in the borough this morning having escaped the Betty Ford Clinic under cover of darkness.

‘I think Junker’s got a point, frankly,’ said the Mayor, ‘and that other bloke who said Boris was part of a global ‘horror scenario”.

Asked what scenario could possibly be more horrific than his own mayoralty, Mr Toob said: ‘Fair point. But just imagine, if you will, the USA led by Donald Trump; the Russians led by Putin; the UK led by Boris; and the French led by… well, anyone French would be bad enough. I mean, global meltdown! War! Pestilence! Famine! A marked downturn in local house prices! It would be the end of gentrification as we know it! The quango chairmanships would dry right up! How am I going to pay for three weeks in Gstaad over Christmas then? How? And the bloody school fees! God help me.’ Then the Betty Ford ambulance arrived to make everything all right again.

We asked the French embassy for a response to the Mayor’s contentious comments, but they just set fire to some sheep and went on strike.


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