Following a campaign by some Islington residents to ban barbecues on Highbury Fields, Dalston’s own bunch of miserable killjoys has crawled out of the woodwork in sympathy.
The group, headed by retired barrister Mrs Jocasta Whittling-Biggotte and named, with admirable honesty, Smug, Entitled Rich People Spoiling it for Everyone Else (SERPSEE) has commissioned an independent report into the dangers of barbecues on London Fields.
‘The situation has become utterly intolerable,’ Mrs Whittling-Biggotte, 66, told the Mercury. ‘On a pleasant summer’s day there can be up to six thousand barbecues alight simultaneously in the park. That’s six thousand potential death-traps attended by twenty thousand drunk fornicators and their half-naked, drug-addled floozies. Some of them are Australian, for heaven’s sake! And the tattoos…’
SERPSEE’s report, commissioned from prestigious Dalston University’s Department of Revenue Generation and Pocket-Lining, highlights the health and safety risks associated with the barbecues.
‘It is impossible to overstate the danger of the situation,’ said Professor Senza Consciencio who wrote the report. ‘It was bad enough when they stuck to sausages and burgers, but this is Dalston, so they’re cooking North African, South-East Asian, Russo-Japanese fusion. I mean, those marinades are like Napalm if you don’t know what you’re doing.’
‘And these are hipsters,’ she went on, ‘all that facial hair and moustache wax could go up like Dresden if things got out of hand.’
The report also claims that the immense cloud of smog created by London Fields barbecues: ‘disorientates migrating birds and regularly causes delays to flights from the City Airport, costing the London economy £1.6 billion every year.’ It can also be seen from space, apparently.
‘We now have proof,’ continued Mrs Whittling-Biggotte in that shrill harridan manner of hers, ‘that walking through the park in summer is exactly the same as putting your mouth around the exhaust pipe of a 1972 Lincoln Continental and inhaling deeply for six hours.’
‘And it’s not just for the good of local residents that we want barbecues banned,’ she lied. ‘Already this year sixteen youths have died from carbon monoxide poisoning and another twelve were totally incinerated and could only be identified by their dental records.’
‘But mainly,’ she went on, ‘I just hate seeing young people enjoying themselves.’
We thought about getting a quote from Dalston mayor Miles Toob, but it’s Sunday. So, y’know, glug, glug…