Newly elected London Mayor Sadiq Khan is in danger of becoming ‘totally incomprehensible’ and is ‘in very real danger of falling flat on his face within days,’ according to new research.
A team at the Dalston Royal Infirmary and Veterinary College has identified in Mr Khan early signs of a condition that has affected senior Labour politicians in the past.
‘We call it Blair Syndrome, after the former Prime Minister,’ explained Dr Finbar Flossing, head of the Infirmary’s Department of Involuntary Euthanasia. ‘The causes are still a mystery at this time, but the symptoms are very clear.’
‘It’s all about a contagion of glottal stops,’ continued Dr Flossing. ‘To understand fully, you have to remember that Tony Blair’s natural accent was a bit like Miss Jean Brodie doing an impression of Kenneth Williams. But by the time he had slurred his vowels and abbreviated his consonants in order to sound more ‘down with the kids’ it was hard to hear what he was actually saying. Even so, Sadiq Khan has got it much worse, I’m afraid.’
According to Dr Flossing’s research, Mr Khan’s speech is already 63% glottal and only 37% actual words. But potentially more damaging is the mayor’s newly acquired habit of narrowing his eyes and reclining in a languid manner when asked a difficult question. ‘Andrew Marr had him down to an angle of about 48° a couple of Sundays ago. We reckon a Paxman or a Humphrys could push him to the tipping point,’ said Dr Flossing, shaking his head in a concerned manner, ‘and then, blam! Arse over tit.’
Blair Syndrome is an incurable degenerative condition, and research predicts that by 2019, Mr Khan will be fully horizontal for long periods and that every time he opens his mouth he will produce a single ‘Ng’ noise, and that will be it.
‘This will make his re-election campaign very challenging,’ said Dr Flossing, ‘but he’ll still have enough to beat Zac Goldsmith, obviously.’
The Mercury contacted City Hall for a coment on the mayor’s glottal problem, but a spokesman said: ‘We can’ ma’ any statemen’ on tha’ a’ the momen’.’
In other City Hall news: Some bloke down the pub told the Mercury that, apparently, Sadiq Khan’s dad used to be a bus driver! But that can’t be true, can it? I mean, he would have mentioned it, surely.