The leader of the Conservative group on Dalston Borough Council, Alderman Gary Indiana, has shocked local people by claiming that Donald Trump is right all the time about absolutely everything, ever.
‘The genius of Trump became clear to me,’ said Alderman Indiana ‘when he made the wholly authoritative and exhaustively researched pronouncement that California is not suffering a drought. Although it clearly is.’
‘Genius, you see?’
When our reporter surreptitiously started to dial 999, Alderman Indiana grabbed him fraternally by the lapels and said: ‘No, really. It’s the answer to Conservative prayers about everything. Listen: can’t get immigration down to the tens of thousands? Doesn’t matter! Immigration was never over the tens of thousands to start with. Not enough affordable housing to go round? Yes there is. NHS overstretched? Cobblers. Armed forces underfunded in the face of increasing Russian adventurism in Europe? Pull the other one, Sunshine.’
‘See? Trumpism never fails.’
Before we could leg it, he went on: ‘And the beauty of it is, Trumpism works on both the macro and micro levels, personal and political: therefore, my wife’s relationship with her tennis coach is purely platonic and based on a shared appreciation of Stendhal and the later symphonies of Gustav Mahler. This lump on my testicle is a benign love pimple, so no need to get that checked out, and Myleene Klass really, really fancies me and wants to have my babies. And so on.’
Alderman Indiana, who, unlike Donald Trump, wears an ill-fitting toupee, is recommending the national Conservative party adopt Trumpism as a matter of urgency. ‘For one thing,’ he said, ‘it’ll save a fortune on paper come election time. No need to print a manifesto, see? When any criticism of our performance in government is levelled, we simply stand on a soap box with our fingers in our ears singing Everything’s Coming up Roses as loud as we can. And bingo! Election in the bag! It’s gonna work for Trump, after all.’
At this point he started welling up, so we thought it was kinder to leave him to it.