Dalston mayor Miles Toob’s controversial appointment of Vladimir Putin as his Housing Czar yesterday has been countered by the leader of the council’s Conservative group, who has called for Donald Trump to take up the vacant position of Police and Crime Commissioner for the borough.
‘Obviously Comrade Putin is planning to annex the whole of east London,’ Cllr Gary Indiana told the Mercury, ‘Dalston is just the beginning. It’s obvious. I mean, the health-food shops down Stoke Newington Church Street alone have a GDP greater than that of Moscow and St Petersburg combined. When you factor-in the value of De Beauvoir Town’s housing stock, you can see why, strategically, Russia must occupy Dalston or perish.’
‘So we need a figure of real authority who can act as a bulwark against Putin’s evil machinations: a man of unshakeable intestinal fortitude; a man of unwavering conviction, of compassion, of sound judgement, of unambiguous, clear-eyed moral certainty. But Sean Penn said he was busy, so we’ve had to settle for Trump, who at least has the advantage of being as loopy as Putin.’
Asked why Mr Trump might be willing to combine the role of Leader of the Free World with that of Dalston Police Commissioner, Cllr Indiana told the Mercury: ‘He only needs look at what’s happening here already to see the level of the threat.’
‘The mayor has the entire council preparing for Putin’s arrival. He’s had them riding horses, topless, around London Fields. He’s had them playing ice hockey, topless. We don’t even have an ice rink – they made a hell of a mess of the cricket pitch on Hackney Downs. And yesterday he had everyone strip naked and sit in a sauna drinking neat vodka and whipping themselves with wet twigs. Which, to be fair, is how they spend most Thursday afternoons. But still. Thin end of the wedge.’
A spokesman for Mr Trump said: ‘A lot of very, very important people are telling us that Donald J Trump would make a really, really, really great police commissioner, believe us.’ Mystifyingly, he then went on to say something about Mr Trump’s hands being exactly the right size for somebody of his height and star sign, even though we never even mentioned his penis. Then the man said that, anyway, Mr Putin was coming round to Donald’s place for marshmallows and a sleepover so Mr Trump must respectfully decline the job offer at this time.