Swiss Tax Agents Swoop on Dalston Football Giants

The Swiss tax authorities and anti-corruption agents of the FBI have made a dramatic dawn raid on the offices of Dalston’s premier football club.

Documents and electronic data were seized in what is believed to be part of an investigation into ‘disloyal payments’ made by members of the club’s ethics committee to unknown parties over the last two decades.

Little Vern Calhoun
Allergy to petrol – ‘Little Vern’ Calhoun yesterday

‘Yeah, it’s bound to be something like that, init?’ said Ryan ‘Nobby’ Clough, chairman of AC Spartak Dalston, this morning. ‘We’re not totally sure who done it, like, cos we was out.’

‘But they definitely seized some documents and electronic data before they torched the gaff. Got all the hallmarks of a raid by the Attorney General of Switzerland, don’t it? That bastard’s had it in for our ethics committee from the start. Jealous of our prestige, see?’

Mr Clough refuted claims by passers-by that, rather than a team of agents transported in a fleet of black sedans, the raid and subsequent firestorm, were in fact carried out by Mr Clough’s brother-in-law Vernon ‘Little Vern’ Calhoun, riding a bike.

‘Nah, couldn’t be nothing like that’, Mr Clough told the Mercury, ‘Little Vern’s got an allergy to petrol. No, it’s definitely the Swiss. And if you print different I’ll have your knackers.’

AC Spartak Dalston were relegated last season from the prestigious Henderson’s Industrial Bleach Division 12 (South), and have reportedly been suffering from financial difficulties after spending their ‘parachute payment’ on a six pack of Stella.

Local police are investigating the inferno. Sepp Blatter is almost certainly involved.

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