French Revolting in Dalston – Aristocrats Flee Borough

Dalston’s French community has risen up today in protest over government policy, bringing parts of the borough to a standstill.

Protest leader, Mr Emile Bande-Gastrique, 37, spoke to the Mercury from his barricade on the Kingsland Road: ‘Perfidious Albion!’ he bellowed, waving a big flag, ‘It is terrible what ‘as been allowed to ‘appen to French citizens ‘ere in Grande-Bretagne. Terrible!’

Princess Michael of Kent
Princess Michael of Kent – head on a stick, if she’s not careful.

Asked to flesh out his argument a bit, Mr Bande-Gastrique said: ‘It is this damned thriving economy, n’est-ce pas? It is the lack of red tape, the administrative competence, oui? It is the absence of nepotism at a governmental level and the total inabilité of the unions to shut down the entire country over the slightest little thing! Zut alors! You English just don’t get it, do you?’

Dalston’s French community, which numbers up to ‘quite a few’, if you include Belgians, the Swiss, Luxembourgers and anyone who sells onions from a bike, has taken to the streets in sympathy with their compatriots in Paris, who are also throwing a massive collective strop about not very much at all.

‘We are being stifled ‘ere. Oppressed, even,’ said Mr Bande-Gastrique, sounding more and more like Peter Sellers as he tried to set light to some sheep, ‘It is our inalienable right as Frenchmen to cripple our economy by going on strike all the time, and then go on strike about the dreadful state of our crippled economy. It is what makes us French! Well, that and all the shrugging. And the wife-swapping parties.’

Latest: Approximately half the French protesters are reported to have formed a nationalist splinter group which has gone on strike from the main strike in protest about a lack of representation on the central strike committee. Or it might have something to do with all the blacks in the country, but we’re not sure.

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