Mrs Queenie Calhoun, recently restored as chairperson of the Dalston chapter of Independence for the UK (IFtUK), claims the party’s latest poll strongly indicates that Dalston residents will vote to leave the EU ‘despite all the wops and Polaks around the manor these days’.
‘After the failure of the major polling organisations to accurately predict the result of the last general election,’ Mrs Calhoun told the Mercury, ‘we at IFtUK have been conducting our own surveys based on a new methodology what those muppets at YouGov and Ipsos MORI would love to get their thieving hands on.’
Mrs Calhoun and her chief analyst Byron ‘mad dog’ Brady, published the results of their latest poll this morning. ‘Ordinarily, there’s lots of ways to interpret a body of statistics,’ said Mrs Calhoun with a note of triumphalism beginning to swell in her voice, ‘but not in this case. The numbers do not lie. Dalston wants out. End of.’
Asked to be a bit more specific, she drew deeply on her cigar and said: ‘Look, the numbers is complicated, yeah? But what your readers need to know is, according to our independently verified research, 100% of complete knob-heads in the borough wants to stay in, while 100% of diamond geezers and top blokes wants away, yeah? Simple. Knob-heads on one side, diamond geezers and top blokes on the other. Two-to-one, yeah? Empirical evidence that the London borough of Dalston wishes to secede from the European Union, soon as.’
According to Mr Brady, further analysis of the figures reveals that ‘total slags’ are in favour of ever closer political union within Europe, while ‘benders and fruits’ favour root-and-branch reforms to the Common Agricultural Policy. We asked what numpties thought, but he said he didn’t know.