Councillors Hospitalised in European Crotch Crisis

There are concerns that Dalston Borough Council will be forced to cancel important committee meetings and tree-planting ceremonies due to a lack of fit councillors following a spate of serious groin injuries among elected officials.

‘It’s the EU referendum, I’m afraid,’ council leader Consuela Ahmadinejad told the Mercury from her hospital bed, ‘all the campaigning has taken a fearful toll of our groinal areas.’

Trying not to picture Cllr Ahmadinejad’s groinal area, we begged her to start making sense. ‘Well, it’s the stance, isn’t it,’ she said, ‘the Tory sanctioned Mussolini / General Franco / George Osborne leg-spread power stance. We’re all doing it, and it’s bloody dangerous, let me tell you.’

Last night, Cllr Ahmadinejad was doing the stance while addressing a delegation of visiting Albanian landscape gardeners when: ‘my doo-dah just went. You could hear it go from the other side of the function room. I went down like a Spanish centre forward and haven’t been able to get up since.’

Theresa-May legs
‘Professional’ – Theresa May shows how it should be done yesterday

In addition to Cllr Ahmadinejad’s damaged doo-dah, eight Tory councillors have suffered sprained whatsits, two have contusions on their unmentionables and one has a badly bruised chuff. Tory leader on the council, Mr Gary Indiana, has so far escaped major injury, describing his own groin as ‘almost mint with slight foxing around the bottom edge and spine.’

‘It is a crisis largely confined to the Conservative and UKIP groups on the council,’ said Cllr Indiana. ‘Instructions have gone out from Labour HQ that socialists on the council are not to even attempt the full George Osborne, but are to affect the pigeon-toed, knock-kneed mincing look favoured by Lenin and Noam Chomsky, and so far it’s paid off.’

George Osborne legs
‘Scaffolding’ – George Osborne pays a terrible price to look marvellous

‘The problem is not so much the stance itself which – let’s face it – looks bloody marvellous if you can pull it off. It’s the lack of training and specialised support underwear we lack. Theresa May, for example is a real pro. She works out for three hours with Beth Tweddle before she even attempts the stance. And after months of doing it, George’s own legs are now 60% scaffolding. The rest is just bondage gear and absorbent wadding, poor love.’

Until councillors are fit to return to their duties, their places on the EU debating platform will be taken by a troop of Chinese acrobats who are pretty ambivalent about the whole Brexit thing, but can do the stance something wicked.

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