Local Idiot Rescues Chris Evans and Noel Edmonds

To the horror of almost everyone, the area’s leading broadcaster, Dalston Radio KGXLT, has offered a lifeline to the careers of reviled car-crash TV presenters Chris Evans and Noel Edmonds, just when we thought we were rid of them.

Only seventeen people watched the second edition of Mr Evans’ newly ruined Top Gear last week, and Mr Edmonds has been trying to peddle tat to desperate sick people like the loathsome cockroach he so clearly is.

Another of Mr Edmonds’ fine products yesterday

Mr Evans is slated to take over Dalston Radio’s breakfast show, while Mr Edmonds will fill in for DJ Grand Master Jeff on the Friday Breakbeat Mash-up. But why, in the name of God?

‘It is true that Chris and Noel are having hard time at the moment, career-wise,’ said Dalston Radio supremo Keith Yentob, 26, ‘I mean, to be honest, the only thing crashing faster than their reputations are their TV ratings. They’re going down like a pair of lead balloons tied to a big anvil. And the anvil’s on fire. They’re falling into a professional abyss so profound, they’ll probably come out in New Zealand. It’s all over for them – they’re dead men walking. Only not walking – plummeting. If crashing and burning in a humiliating public conflagration of hubris and egotism were ice dancing, they’d be Torvill and-chuffing-Dean, wouldn’t they? Only nobody would like them or give them medals. They are so over, those two. Toast. Burned toast. Yesterday’s men. Nul Points. Big fat zeros.’

Asked why, then, he was prepared to offer Evans and Edmonds employment, Mr Yentob looked quite lost for a moment before saying: ‘Do you know, I’ve completely forgotten. Is Stuart Hall still available?’ Then he asked whether Mr Edmonds’ magic cancer-curing wonder box worked on hangovers. We said probably better than it works on cancer.

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