Queen ‘Has been Knobbled’ – Shocking Omissions in Birthday Honours List

News that tangerine-hued Scottish lothario Rod Stewart has been knighted in the Queen’s Birthday Honours has received a predictably catty response from Dalston’s creative community.

‘I suppose he deserves an award for still being able to get into those trousers at his age,’ said Ms Clytemnestra Karenina, 23, of the Dalston People’s Theatre, ‘but a knighthood? A Blue Peter badge would be pushing it. Jesus wept, he sounds like a ******* road grader. Nobody with varicose veins should be rewarded for leaping around like that. Except Dame Maggie Smith who I worked with at Chichester and on tour. She is absolutely marvellous. Ageless. A real pro, and so generous to her co-stars. As Kevin Spacey told me once over lunch at the Ivy…’

rod stewart and emu
Rod Stewart and Emu yesterday

Then she went banging on about Judy Dench at the West Yorkshire Playhouse and how the Bristol Old Vic is literally the country’s greatest institution other than the NHS. By the time she shut up we’d snuck out, but we think the gist of her argument was that her boyfriend, director of the Dalston People’s Theatre, Mr Viktor von Doom, should have got the gong instead of ‘that superannuated crooning vulgarian’.

In other Birthday Honours news: Mr Clarkson Testarossa, developer of Dalston’s first driverless car, is having a right moan about astronaut Tim Peake’s award. ‘He’s not even a proper astronaut, is he?’ said Mr Testarossa from his breaker’s yard, ‘he don’t even have to fly the rocket himself, does he? It’s all automatic these days. My old man used to drive a 38 bus. No bloody sat nav back then. You had to be like Buzz Aldrin to get a Routemaster through Dalston Junction during peak hours. Where was his award, eh? And where’s mine while we’re about it? I’m working at the cutting edge of new technology while that muppet is up there growing space tulips or something. Waste of bloody time. I tell you, Her Majesty is having a laugh. It’s a right liberty. I reckon she’s been knobbled.’

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