Local Thug Blames Government for Footie Violence

A local football pundit has criticised the FA’s response to yesterday’s scenes of sickening violence in Marseille, when Russian fans charged England supporters before yesterday’s Euro 2016 clash, leaving several people hospitalised.

‘It’s a totally ridiculous situation,’ said Mr Ryan ‘Nobby’ Clough from his cell at Belmarsh Prison, where he is currently on remand for arson. ‘It’s totally indefensible and the British authorities have to shoulder their share of the blame.’

In response to the stunned silence from our end of the line, he continued: ‘Now, your Russian, he’s got his best team over there, yeah? He’s got some world class psychos and boot boys has Ivan, as any student of 1943’s epic Battle of Kursk will tell you. And don’t even get me started on the defence of Leningrad, neither.’

Stade de Velodrome, Marseille
The Stade Velodrome, Marseille, yesterday

‘Thing is, when it comes to a right dust-up, your Ruskie is not to be taken lightly.’

‘So what do we do, eh? Lock up our elite forces! Take their passports away before the tournament even starts! We invented football hooliganism for crying out loud! We lead the world in peanut-brained, knuckle-dragging morons who’d kick the crap out of their own mothers after twelve pints and a pie. We have the footballing equivalent of the SAS sitting there in flat-roofed pubs all over England watching the games – helpless! – while your Russian has his best boots on the ground. And yesterday we saw the inevitable result of this deeply flawed policy.’

‘Well I hope the government is proud of itself, that’s all I can say. I mean, we’ve got the Welsh next week. They’ve got some big lads – miners and that – what are not going down easy, let me tell you.’

Then he started singing Jerusalem tonelessly before someone shouted: ‘Look out! He’s got some soap in a sock!’ and a noise that sounded like a taser interrupted his flow.

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