Labour Leader Makes Passionate Case for Remain and Almost Sounds Like He Means It

Leader of the Labour group on Dalston Council, Aneurin Hobsbawm, has finally been coaxed from the disabled toilet at TUC headquarters where he was hiding, to give his party’s keynote speech on the benefits of remaining in Europe.

‘It was quite a struggle getting him out of that khazi,’ said Labour councillor Derek Castro, ‘He was going on about being the victim of a bad whelk vindaloo and saying that he’d probably be feeling better by June 24th, and could we please just leave him alone till then.’

‘But most of the Labour group on the council are passionately in favour of remaining in the EU and we didn’t feel our leader had been fully engaged with the campaign so far. The fact that he’d been hiding in a toilet for the last month sort of makes the point.’

A totally unrelated picture of noted Euro-enthusiast Jeremy Corbyn

Cllr Hobsbawm, speaking to a selected audience of trades union heavies and gimlet eyed party apparatchiks, was flanked by his entire cabinet, several of whom appeared to be in close physical contact with him.

He spoke for ninety-three seconds in a wavering voice about jobs and workers’ rights, ending with this inspiring call to arms: ‘So, all-in-all, everything considered, the EU is probably not, y’know, totally the worst thing that could happen. Despite all the stuff I’ve been saying for the last thirty years.’ Then he was led off.

Observers noted that the leader kept his fingers crossed throughout and appeared to mouth the words ‘help me’ as he was handed over to Len McCluskey at the side of the stage. We tried to ask Cllr Hobsbawm some questions but a man from the RMT came over and broke our camera.

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