Campaigning in the EU referendum resumed today with both sides pledging to engage in a robust but measured debate with only four days remaining until the historic vote.
With soul-crushing predictability, though, leaders of both campaigns took to the airwaves this morning to throw phrases like ‘existential choice’ and ‘debilitating uncertainty’ around like confetti.
David Cameron – or it might have been Michael Gove, we forget – also came up with guff like: ‘progressive beacon’, ‘ultimate democracy’, ‘abject and self-imposed humiliation’ and ‘watershed moment’. Oh, and ‘permanently poorer’.
So we turned off Andrew Marr and went, instead, into the streets of Dalston hoping that our local campaign leaders might have given up spouting that kind of disingenuous bollocks. Some hope.
Mrs Queenie Calhoun, recently reinstated after a bout of savage infighting as head of Dalston’s Independence for the UK (IFtUK) group, said: ‘We have been stung by criticism from the public that we might have been participating in ‘Project Fear’ thus far in the campaign.’
‘I’d like to reassure the people of Dalston that we in the Leave campaign have never been a part of ‘Project Fear’. We have been part of ‘Project Man in an Idiosyncratic Suit Drinking Beer’ and ‘Project Calling the Other Side Worse than Hitler’, but not ‘Project Fear’ per se.’
‘On the other hand,’ she went on, ‘Project Fear’ has been doing okay for those gits at Remain, so we’re going to give ‘Project Fear’ a right go from now till Thursday, if that’s all right with you. Did you know, for example, that if we stay in the EU, bubonic plague – spread by the French – will have claimed the lives of fourteen million British schoolchildren by June 22, 2018? Fact. Fourteen million. Talk about an ‘existential choice’, eh?’
Mrs Vera Trotsky, recently reinstated after a savage bust-up with the Labour Party as head of Dalston Europ-e-IN, told the Mercury: ‘Of course, we in the Remain group have never had any truck with ‘Project Fear’. We have run a decent, civil campaign based on the facts, unlike those unconscionable lying bastards at Leave. We have taken part in ‘Project Incontrovertible Truth’, ‘Project Smelling of Roses’, and ‘Project Talentless Millionaire Rock Star on a Boat Making Obscene Hand Gestures to Trawlermen’, but not ‘Project Fear’, as such.
‘However,’ she continued, ‘as we are down to the last days of the campaign, what the hell, we’re going to give ‘Project Fear’ the old college try. Did you know, for example, that if we leave the EU that – after the four horseman of the apocalypse have carved a bloody swathe through the country – bubonic plague, spread by a shortfall in NHS funding, will claim the lives of fourteen million British schoolchildren by June 22, 2018? Fact. Fourteen million! Kittens, too. Lots of kittens and puppies. Dead! Because of Farage! Is that what you want? Is it!? Talk about a ‘watershed moment, eh?’
So we gave up and came home for a cup of tea and a bit of a cry.