Dalston’s Top Business Leaders Unanimously Back Remain, except for those who don’t

The leaders of Dalston’s entire business community has pledged undying commitment to the Remain campaign, except for a roughly similar number who back leave, and quite a few who, like Baroness Warsi, don’t seem to have a clue what’s going on.

Mr Gary Wu, Chief Operating Officer and Head of Global Acquisitions for the Lucky Blossom Dragon Jade Lotus Garden Chinese Takeaway told the Mercury: ‘I, along with other senior business figures in the area, am totally up for staying in the EU. Totally. I mean, if your roof falls in, like what ours did a couple of months ago, couple of Polish lads round next morning, cash-in-hand, job done. Sweet as. And that infestation thing? They was big buggers – you could hear ’em at it behind the freezer! So it might have got a bit tricky, but new public health inspector, Italian lad, lovely bloke, quick back-hander and you’re in business, no messing about. Understands the needs of the small businessman, does your Italian public servant, see? So, yeah, being in Europe is definitely good for trade. And the balance of payments deficit, or something. Security an’ that. Probably.’

Mr Gideon Porter-Seabass, proprietor of The Lambent Whelk, Dalston’s most self-consciously middle class public house, told the Mercury: ‘Oh, yes, I’m absolutely in. One shudders to remember what a ghastly hole this country was before we joined Europe. Pork scratchings; pickled eggs next to the Malibu; thick ankled girls from Wolverhampton serving behind the bar; Irishmen smoking roll-ups and reading the Daily Mirror. Dreadful. And no focaccia! How did people live? I would literally rather die than be forced to eat sliced white bread, and that is exactly what will happen if we leave: Nigel Farage forcing people to eat Sunblest.’

Sliced white bread, 2006.
What Nigel Farage had for breakfast yesterday. And every other day, according to sources

But supporting the Leave campaign is Mr Emile Bande-Gastrique of the globally renowned Dalston Street Eats Market. ‘It eez immigration zat eez ze problem for me,’ he said. ‘Obviously we need some free movement of people, but zere are just too many coming ‘ere at ze moment. Britain eez full. So, as chief executive of Dalston Street Eats, I ‘ave written to my employees, Diego, Klaus, Brunhilde, Irenka, Agamemnon, Marie-France, Ariana, Pietro, Dirk and Tamburlaine, explaining my recommendation that they vote leave, for ze good of our business. And as all ten of zem are paying a grand a month each to share a two bedroom flat wiz an outside toilet, I zink zey weel be receptive to ze logic of zis argument.’

We also asked the opinion of prominent Leave campaigner Mrs Queenie Calhoun in her capacity as proprietor of Calhoun’s, Purveyors of Bush-Meat and Exotic Road-Kill to the Gentry, but our lawyer said we couldn’t print words like ‘gypo’ or ‘darkie’.

 

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