Inspired by the safe return to earth of British astronaut Tim Peake, one of Dalston’s most innovative engineering minds has revealed plans to put a man into space within weeks ‘or even sooner if we can get the parts’.
Mr Clarkson Testarossa founded the Dalston Aeronautics and Space Administration (DASA) with his brother-in-law down the pub last Sunday.
‘We are confident that we can slip the surly bonds of earth from right here at our new space centre in Cape Dalston,’ Mr Testarossa told the Mercury.
When he noticed us rolling our eyes and smirking he went all huffy for a minute but then gazed romantically toward the heavens and said: ‘We choose to go into space. We choose to go into space next Tuesday and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard…’
When he finally shut up, we asked about the space vehicle currently under construction in his lock-up. ‘The rocket itself is not the problem’, he said. ‘We thought it might be until we saw that piece of junk Tim Peake landed in – looked like a septic tank with windows, didn’t it? And we happened to have a couple of septic tanks kicking about the yard, so the main technical challenge came in developing the highly unstable fuel needed to propel my nephew and his septic tank through the Earth’s atmosphere and into the infinite majesty of the cosmos.’
The astronaut chosen for DASA’s inaugural flight is Mr Testarossa’s sister’s kid Terrence ‘Little Tel’ Calhoun, who qualifies through having passed his driving test and ‘being really interested in aliens and ray guns and that’.
To save money, DASA’s high-octane Dalston space fuel is being distilled from used chip fat. ‘Yeah,’ said Mr Testarossa, ‘we usually turn it into diesel to avoid tax, but we found that, if we’re real careful, we can make it into the ultra-refined ethanol required for space flight, only with the odd bit of saveloy in it.’
‘Saveloys are inimical to the conquest of space, unfortunately, so there is a real danger that Little Tel will be blown to atoms moments after take-off.’
‘But it’d be a blessing really,’ he said, ‘the boy’s not all there.’
As part of Mr Testarossa’s rigourous safty regime, the launch of DASA’s Starquest 1 will take place next week on London Fields, ‘but right next door to the paddling pool, so there’s plenty of water for when Little Tel catches fire. Or blows up. Or both’
Mr Testarossa assured the Mercury that he would choose a cloudy day for the launch so there’d be no kiddies in the paddling pool during Little Tel’s heroic immolation.
Bookings are being taken for space tourism flights which Mr Testarossa hopes will commence ‘by the autumn half-term holiday if we’re lucky. But definitely before that Richard Branson geezer gets anyone up there’.