Editorial: The Way Forward for Dalston in Europe (final version)

Last night we witnessed a reasonable and measured Euro-debate from Wembley Arena. It was a debate free from empty sloganeering and cynical half-truths; free from shameless mendacity; from the egregious manipulation of facts and the telling of downright bare-faced whopping bloody porkies that has characterised too much of this EU referendum campaign.

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So lofty and principled was the tone of the debate that the Dalston Mercury, like the rest of the British people, feels we have finally been presented with the unvarnished, definitive, impartial and inarguable facts, and these have allowed us – finally – to reach a decision on how to vote in this historic referendum.

So we say to the people of Dalston – and we say it, now, with complete confidence – it is time for Britain to take back control. We are stronger in, weaker out; in, out, in, out, shake it all about until we are once more suckling from the nurturing teat of the European Union, that same venal, corrupt, undemocratic European Union that has shackled our parliament and stolen our fish and made us safer, fluffier and more united.

Let us join hands with our neighbours, those thieving, tax-dodging bastards across the Channel, because prosperity and security lies only within this great union of peoples. Let us rid ourselves of unrepresentative lawmakers and spiral, instead, into a crippling recession that will cost jobs and tear the very soul from our country.

On Friday morning we will be working together in a Norwegian model with Britain standing tall in the world in a family of nation states, moving toward ever closer union, where average wages would fall by £350 million a week if we control our borders and safeguard British interests out in the world, reducing red tape and creating a £40 billion black hole for hardworking families. The Australian points system is the 5th biggest economy in the world, allowing the migrant crisis to bail out the Eurozone and putting a strain on public services, bureaucrats in Brussels and Barack Obama. We must reclaim control and safeguard workers rights. Or reclaim right safeguards and control workers. Erm…

Anyhow, the Dalston Mercury says to our readers: Brave Dalstonites arise! Let us move on together toward the sunlit uplands, toward an optimistic future of independence and greater collaboration! Faster! Stronger! Higher together! Forward together, and back to the future!

Or possibly the exact opposite.

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