As the UK goes to the polls today, Dalston is bracing itself for the conflagration that will inevitably follow a Leave vote. Or a Remain one, for that matter.
In common with other news organisations, the Dalston Mercury is limited in what it can report while polls are open, but it is fair to say that, however the vote goes, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be sweeping down the Kingsland Road by 10 o’clock this evening. 10.30 at the very latest. A plague of frogs is also expected in the Ridley Road area around breakfast time.
To ensure that our readers are best prepared for imminent annihilation and the subsequent descent into the inferno where we will burn without cease for all eternity, the Mercury is running its ever popular Horseman Watch! competition.
As with the competition that followed last year’s election of a majority Tory government, we will be offering a prize to the first reader who sends in a selfie of themselves or a family member with one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or one of their horses. The grim reaper is also admissible, as are any avenging angels and other assorted beasts from the pit, provided they are bona fide supernatural creatures bent on the obliteration of mankind and not just some bloke in an outfit.
So, have you recently rented accommodation to a cadaverous hooded gentleman carrying a scythe? Have you let out a lock-up as temporary stabling for four stallions, black as night with eyes like burning coals? Perhaps you have noticed a skeletal form, swathed in darkness, loitering around a bush, eyeing-up the damned of Dalston as they go about their business oblivious to the coming holocaust? Have you heard any nighttime whinnying or experienced any unexpected rending of garments?
Because if so, you have a chance to be the winner of this year’s Horseman Watch! competition and could be enjoying a complimentary meal for two with wine (one bottle limit) courtesy of the Lambent Whelk, Dalston’s premiere gastropub / art gallery / bicycle repair-themed members’ club!
You’ll have to eat pretty fast, obviously, because we’ll all be writhing in eternal torment by this time tomorrow. In better news: both Nigel Farage and Nicola Sturgeon will be there with us.
Send your photos to the usual email address. Posthumous entries are acceptible. Manditory, even.