Dalston Mayor Miles Toob is to step down by October after Dalston voted to leave the European Union.
Speaking outside his official mayoral home in the Cayman Islands, Cllr Toob said: ‘The people have spoken. The bastards.’
Flanked by his tearful wife, two mistresses, the family wallet-bearer and his favourite polo pony, an emotional Mayor Toob went on: ‘The people of Dalston have voted to leave the European Union, and that decision must be respected.’
‘Not by me, obviously. I’m laughing. But by the rest of you poor mugs stuck over there on that miserable, rain-sodden island without two pennies to rub together. Bugger all that ‘steadying the ship’ business – I’m off, I’m telling you. Laters!’
Two early favourites to replace Cllr Toob have emerged. The head of Dalston Council’s Department of Extraordinary Rendition and Forced Deportation, ageing feline shoe-fetishist Selina Marr, is an early contender but has yet to make a statement about her intentions. The Mercury enquired as to her whereabouts and was told only that she was ‘Busy. Probably stabbing an immigrant or something.’
The popular choice to take on the role is the Dalston ‘Leave’ campaign leader, morbidly obese latinophone love rat Harris Bojo. He stood on the east-wing steps of one of his homes this morning to address an adoring crowd. ‘Per ardua ad astra,’ he bellowed, ‘Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis! Bam bas bat, bamus batis bant!’
The crowd went wild. Even the socialists stopped throwing things for a minute.
It’s a shoe-in, we reckon.
In other referendum news: The French are really cross with us, apparently.