More Perfectly Rational Petitions Demand Death of Democracy

As the number of signatories to the petition demanding a second EU referendum exceeds the number of people in the entire country, other groups are demanding retrospective do-overs and re-runs.

Dr Keithley Liverbird, a notoriously sore loser from prestigious Dalston University’s Department of Political Whining told the Mercury: ‘It’s simply not fair that young people in this country don’t get their own way absolutely all of the time.’

When we asked why this was the case, she stamped her little foot and said: ‘It just isn’t, that’s why!’

‘So we are demanding that the 2015 general election should be re-run immediately to stop the Tories getting in. Then the referendum would never have to happen, would it? And young people wouldn’t have their human rights stamped on by the evil, jackbooted Nazi hoards of everybody in the country over the age of 35.’

Football fans have also taken advantage of the new flexible nature of the British democratic mandate by demanding a re-run of the 1996 European Championship semi final between England and Germany. ‘Yeah, we were really never completely happy with the result,’ said Kevin Twatt who started the petition. ‘We reckon a replay would see England in the final, no problem. I know Gazza’s gone completely tonto in the intervening 20 years, but the rest of the England lads still look pretty fit, whereas the Germans – being German – will have been on the beer and sausages since they retired. That irritating git Andreas Möller will be a right lard-arse by now, although we fully expect him to still have a mullet.’

andreas moller
Mr and Mrs Andreas Moller yesterday

A counter-petition has been started by the Germans who would like to do the 1966 World Cup final again and would also like to replay the Battle of Normandy, only this time with more Panzer divisions ready to bear down on the D-day landing beaches.

In a related petition, the ghost of President Woodrow Wilson is demanding another go at drafting the Versaille Treaty of 1919, ‘given all the unpleasantness that followed’, and a joint Franco-Bavarian petition is insisting on the entire War of the Spanish Succession being re-fought because the Duke of Marlborough cheated at the Battle of Blenheim in 1704.

In breaking news: The Vatican has unilaterally declared that 1521’s Diet of Worms never actually took place and Martin Luther remained an obscure clergyman who never amounted to much, that the Pope remains the supreme authority in Europe and the Americas, and that the last 500 years never really happened. The Remain camp is considering its position, but David Lammy MP is completely okay with all this, according to a spokesman.



3 thoughts on “More Perfectly Rational Petitions Demand Death of Democracy”

  1. Marvellous stuff! You should be on the wireless, not wasting your not inconsiderable talents (not to mention time) providing links to your own website from the Speccie’s blog pages.

    I’ve positively fumed over some of these reports – why isn’t the BBC giving us this information? I’ll be back!


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