French Seduce Local Racists with Buns

Hate crime against minority groups in Dalston has reached a new high since the Brexit vote, according to various people we asked and what you read in the papers.

Speaking to the Mercury, a member of Independence for the UK (IFtUK), which is accused of carrying out intimidatory acts against vulnerable groups, admitted responsibility.

‘Obviously,’ said Mrs Queenie Calhoun, speaking to us under a guarantee of complete anonymity, ‘we was going to start with the French. But then someone pointed out that if they legged it back to France, what about all the cheese and the wine and the baguettes and that? I’m buggered if I’m going without my morning pain au chocolat and the occasional tourtous aux rillettes d’oie with a nice gratin dauphinoise of an evening.’

‘So then we thought about oppressing the Poles and the Spanish, maybe bringing down a cleansing rain of terror on the Italians. But, frankly, they’ve all got a lot going for them.’

‘Nonetheless, Brexit is a blinding opportunity to engage a bit of gratuitous, cowardly intimidation of an undeserving minority demographic, so we eventually settled on a group we really can’t stand.’

Mr Wilson Trussfund, 31, spokesman for a local hipster support group, told the Mercury: ‘It’s been dreadful ever since the leave vote. I’ve had politically incorrect graffiti sprayed all over my unicycle. Our organic kale collective has been receiving abusive phone calls telling us to ‘eat chips like real people’. I’ve had unsyntactic stickers put on my front door telling me to ‘do one, Beardy’. It’s true, I was born in Tunbridge Wells, but I moved to Dalston many years ago to make a life for myself and my ironic Pekingese, Gerald. I run a succesful company providing post-modern henna tattoos for domestic animals, for crying out loud! What more do I have to do to gain acceptance from these people?’

Gerald the Pekingese, a part-time DJ and IT consultant, is currently in therapy after being savagely trolled online by a Staffordshire Bull Terrier.

In other Brexit news: Mrs Queenie Calhoun of IFtUK – not speaking anonymously this time – has thrown her weight behind Boris Johnson’s bid to lead the Conservative party.

boris johnson
Boris Johnson – ‘quiet dignity’

‘Boris is our boy,’ she told the Mercury, ‘Very few politicians can carry off getting tangled up on a zip wire and still maintain a quiet dignity.’

‘And if the image of a wheezing fat man waving a flag while dangling alone and helpless over an immense void doesn’t perfectly illustrate the position of our country, I don’t know what does.’

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