Day of Infamy in Dalston Politics ‘Nearly as Bad as Westminster’

Dalston City Hall became a blood-sodden bear pit yesterday, with both main parties fraternally ripping themselves to gory shards as the rest of us looked on and cheered. (Some of us even brought snacks and pop.)

At lunchtime, the frontrunner in the mayoral race, jolly latinophone gut-bucket Harris Bojo announced he was leaving the contest after his close friend, colleague and one time lover, Michael Loaf, unexpectedly announced his own candidacy.

In his speech, the ruggedly handsome, charismatic and not even slightly creepy Mr Loaf said: ‘I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that I must heroically knife my dear friend Harris in the back and then openly and positively run away before he can do anything about it.’

‘I believe, furthermore, that I am the right man to lead this borough. I am, as everyone knows, hugely respected by members of my party, even if I am universally loathed by everyone else. So as a duplicitous, cowardly and hugely divisive candidate, I firmly believe I am the man to unite both my party and the country that hates me so much. Thank you.’

Across town at Labour HQ, party leader Cllr Aneurin Hobsbawm appeared at the launch of a report into alleged anti-Semitism in the Dalston party.

The beleaguered  Mr Hobsbawm – who yesterday promoted a stray dog to his cabinet when a lady he met in Tesco’s refused to serve – said at the launch: ‘With the publication of this authoritative and exhaustively researched whitewash, we can finally put to rest the ridiculous notion that anybody in the Dalston Labour party is now, or ever has been, even the tiniest bit anti-Semitic.’

labour front bench
The Dalston Labour front bench yesterday

Then he spoilt the mood a bit by saying that the modern state of Israel was worse than Hitler. ‘It just slipped out,’ he said later.

The stray dog is said to be considering its position in the cabinet. Rebellious Labour councillors are pressing it to run for leader.

 

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