Tens of thousands of demonstrators – possibly even a few more than that – marched through Dalston yesterday demanding immediate deportations in the wake of last week’s Brexit vote.
‘They’re all leeches and spongers and we want them out of the country right now!’ said march organiser Miss Valediction Omnipitens from her podium in London Fields, eliciting cheers from the crowd and cries of ‘hang them!’ from a random family of picnickers.
‘They don’t contribute a thing to national life; they clog-up our schools and our hospitals; they take our jobs and slobber all over our women. They’re just not like us, are they? And anyhow, they’d probably be happier somewhere else, among their own kind. Half of them are barely human. Belong in a field somewhere, they do. Vermin, they are. Vermin!’
Miss Omnipitens’ pressure group, Dalston Says Clear Off The Lot Of You (DSCOTLOY), is demanding the immediate forced deportation of all politicians, of whatever party, and quite a few political columnists too. And they want Piers Morgan to be gratuitously waterboarded and poked with sticks. But pretty well everybody is already down with that.
The Mercury asked Miss Omnipitens, 38, why she is demanding mass expulsions of the political elite, plus Tim Farron. She told us: ‘We’re sick of ’em, that’s why. They’re never off the telly, these days. You can only look at Michael Gove for so long. My youngest was in tears during Newsnight yesterday. This is a small country, there’s just too many of ’em and we have to send ’em back where they came from. End of.’
Plans are being drawn up to repatriate expelled Tories and Blairites to a massively expanded PPE department of Oxford University housed on a series of barges moored in the Thames Estuary. The rest will be shipped to a grotesquely enlarged TUC headquarters being constructed on the Isle of Man.
We tried to interview an opponent of the plan, but couldn’t find one.