The Leader of Dalston Council, Consuela Ahmadinejad, has thrown her considerable weight behind a petition raised by residents demanding that Dalston secede from the United Kingdom in order to remain part of the European Union.
The exact wording of the petition reads: ‘We Dalstonians denounce the shortsighted and totally fascistic decision of the British people to leave the EU. We demand that the great London Borough of Dalston, therefore, remove itself from the United Kingdom – especially the north, Wales, the whole of Essex and Henley-on-bloody-Thames – to become a separate sovereign state within the European Union, where we will sit in sun-dappled market squares sipping lattes and wearing expensive sunglasses while the rest of you are eating whelks in Rhyl. Even if this noble ambition involves taking the borough to pieces and rebuilding it, stone-by-stone, on the Isle of Wight or somewhere.’
‘It is marvellous that Dalstonians are willing to stand up against the oppressive forces of a legitimate mandate arrived at democratically,’ said Cllr Ahmadinejad, ‘That they are willing to oppose the pulverizing jackboot of public opinion expressed by the accepted constitutional norms.’
‘It’s not even the worst idea they’ve had recently,’ she went on. ‘We did toy with the idea of joining the Northern Powerhouse a while ago, before the Brexit vote made it clear that all northerners are bastards. But the lack of a direct bus route between Dalston and Hull put the kibosh on that idea.’
‘Plus, y’know, Wigan. Chances of finding a decent quinoa salad there? Not good, frankly.’
‘We went on a fact-finding visit. Awful! Everyone looks like Liam Gallagher and smells of gherkins. So not really out kind of people. But the French? Much more us, y’know? Much!
The Mercury understands that the petitioners’ plans would involve the repatriation of the entire population of the Isle of Wight to Dagenham, which would serve them all right for voting the wrong way.