A plucky local caterer is tempting Dalston diners with what he claims is the world’s latest ‘superfood’.
‘Obviously,’ said Mr Benny Enteritis, proprietor of the popular Kenlucky Fried Chicken Shed, ‘as a professional restaurateur of 20 years standing, I’ve seen how this amazing product has benefited our clientele. Some of them don’t hardly eat anything else, it’s so good for them.’
‘I mean, your traditional, old school superfoods is all very well: tenderstem broccoli, quinoa, green tea, kale, chia, aloe vera, cranberries – we’ve deep-fried ’em all at some point. Who hasn’t? But, in the end, our customers keep coming back for the great British chicken nugget. For its cleansing and antioxidant properties, see?’
Mr Enteritis’s establishment was recently in the news for being the first restaurant in England to have its food hygiene rating sticker replaced with a picture of a health inspector retching into a bucket. Despite currently trading illegally, Mr Enteritis hopes to enlist the help of a major celebrity to endorse the chicken nugget as a global eco wonderfuel and cure for cancer.
‘We’ve been in touch with Gwyneth Paltrow’s people, and they seem very keen on the whole chicken nugget / superfood dynamic. Your nugget resonates with Gwyneth’s yogic Qi, apparently. Assists in establishing her astral oneness, too. Especially if you have them with chips. Although she reckons ketchup blocks your tao, but I think we all instinctively knew that already.’
‘The only problem we have with Gwyneth is on the issue of cost. In order for her to endorse our product we would have to conform to her strict guidelines on pricing, which would mean each nugget retailing for £245. Which is steep, considering brown sauce is extra. Also each one would have to have its own certificate of authentication, which would be a bit of a faff, to say the least.’
Mr Enteritis has, therefore, given up on securing Gwyneth Paltrow’s support but reckons ‘that Noel Edmonds will put his name to any old crap these days, so we’ll have a go at him next’.
Mr Enteritis also recommends using the deep-fried chicken nugget as an exfoliating body scrub, but it doesn’t look like it’s done him much good, what, with all the flaking and scratching and everything. Also, he asked us to remind everyone about the after-school two-for-one special on prosciutto and mango pizzas. Which cured his dad’s angina, apparently.