The race to become the new Mayor of Dalston is down to its final two candidates after a campaign that, even by this borough’s risibly low standards of political discourse, has been the absolute pits.
Early front-runner, rotund latinophone Don Juan, Harris Bojo dropped out of the contest after being heroically shat upon by his close personal friend, square-jawed matinée idol Michael Loaf.
Mr Loaf also left the race when it became apparent that he was as popular as ever. Which is to say, not at all.
That left the experienced Selina Marr – currently head of Dalston’s Department of Extraordinary Rendition and Forced Deportation – and relative unknown, Jesuit-fundamentalist mother of 12 Angela Leadzeppelin, to contest the mayoralty.
It is the first time Dalstonites will choose a mayor from a women-only shortlist, which has prompted a regrettable reaction from opposition Labour councillors who have decided to take time off from being anti-Semitic to become thoroughly sexist instead.
‘After the farrago of the EU Referendum,’ said one Labour grandee, who asked not to be named, ‘we obviously can’t trust the public to vote the right way. So we reckon the mayoralty should be decided by a bake-off. Iced fingers at dawn, that sort of thing. Bet both ladies look smashing in an apron, eh? And out of one, eh? Eh?’
Other suggestions from the opposition benches have included candidates taking part in a speed ironing contest, a flower arranging showdown, a ‘get my bloody tea on the table, woman!’ challenge, and a supermarket trolley race down Stoke Newington High Street. Someone also suggested jelly wrestling, but that was considered a bit much.
The Dalston Conservative party has rejected these suggestions as ‘crass’, ‘juvenile’, and ‘unworthy of this great democracy’, and have pledged that the mayoral contest will be decided in the time-honoured Conservative tradition: by chasing wild animals on horses and poking foreigners with sticks until a winner emerges.