Dalston’s most successful Paralympian, Mr Gary Bentos, is reeling from the news that he has failed to make the Great Britain team to compete at Rio this summer.
‘I’m totally gutted,’ said Mr Bentos, 36, ‘I believed Rio would provide the ideal climax to my career; the apotheosis, if you will, of my athletic journey and the courageous struggle against these crippling disabilities above which I have so nobly risen. Giving hope and inspiration to young athletes everywhere. And that.’
Mr Bentos was to have competed in the Z81 Mobility Scooter Snooker event, but was unable to secure his place on the team through a technicality.
‘First off, they said snooker was no longer a Paralympic event, and that the use of mobility scooters was now considered cheating. I mean, it’s ridiculous – no one complained during my London 2012 triumph in the W36 darts event. I had to make my own medal, I grant you, but still…’
‘And then they had the nerve to tell me I’m not disabled enough! It’s ridiculous. Look at me! I can hardly stand up!’
Mr Bentos, who weighs 36 stone, also provided the Paralympic selectors with a note from his doctor which described him as ‘congenitally bone idle’.
‘ ‘Congenital’, see?’ wheezed Mr Bentos through his meatball marinara footlong, ‘nothing I can do about it. Proper disability, that is, congenital. Also I told them I’m severely dyslexic, but they said I was just rubbish at spelling and to stop ringing them all the time. Naked discrimination, init? Q.E.D.’
We asked to see Mr Bentos’s 2012 Paralympic medals for Y52 wheelchair dressage, P81 synchronised drinking and K99 dwarf tossing, but he said they were on loan to a museum in North Korea and would be there ‘for ages’. Also the medal he got at Sochi in the diabetic luge event was stolen by a bear.