Labour Leader Saves Job in Pact with Cardboard Cut-Out

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm scored a much needed victory against leadership rivals at yesterday’s meeting of the party’s DEC (Dalston Executive Committee).

Emerging triumphant from the meeting after 16 hours of debate and begging, Mr Hobsbawm addressed the media outside Labour Party HQ.

‘I am on the ballot!’ he said, as though it was something to be proud of, ‘They have agreed to let me stand for my own job, despite everything. This ringing endorsement of my leadership means this a great day for the Dalston Labour party!’

Resplendent in a new vest and looking more pleased with himself than he had any right to, Mr Hobsbawm continued: ‘The party has to come together to present to the Dalston public the options of a different and better way of doing things. And you have to admit, we’ve definitely been doing things a bit bloody differently since I became leader. Not better, obviously, but definitely different.’

Gobsmacked journalists tried to remind to Mr Hobsbawm that no Labour councillors will currently agree to serve in his shadow cabinet, that his shadow finance minister is a life-size cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone, and the trade and industry secretary is a can of Spam with a face drawn on.

shadow lord chancellor
Dalston Shadow Lord Chancellor Sylvester Stallone

But Mr Hobsbawm remained defiant: ‘This is a great day for our party and for democracy! I was elected last year with a very large mandate, and I accept the responsibility that comes with that large, that really, really huge mandate. Yes, every single one of my colleagues considers me a bumbling liability, yet they still can’t get rid of me. This shows that the will of the people – however stupid – has been respected.’

It is understood that, as a result of yesterday’s DEC vote, the Dalston Labour party will now begin legal proceedings against itself, proceedings which will be vigorously contested by the Dalston Labour party, which has vowed to ‘sue our own bollocks off until justice has been served’.

Plans to hold the Tories to account have been put on hold indefinitely, as has any vague notion of winning future elections. Next Wednesday’s ‘Whist Drive for Hezbollah’ will go ahead as scheduled, however.

In breaking news: The cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone has been promoted to shadow Lord Chancellor to see the predicted law suits through the courts. The can of Spam is defecting to the Lib Dems in despair.

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