New Tory Leader ‘Is a Natural Joker’ Shock

Newly appointed Dalston mayor and local Tory leader, Selena Marr, has confounded critics in the party who had claimed her to be ‘an automaton’ and a ‘joyless, controlling harridan’ by proving once and for all that she does have a sense of humour.

Her appointment of laugh-a-minute latinophone porker, Harris Bojo, to her cabinet as Foreign Affairs spokesman has sent ripples of mirth through the country and naked, eye-bulging terror throughout the rest of the world.

terrified
News of Mr Bojo’s appointment reaches the U.S State Department yesterday

Japanese school children are said to be especially traumatised after Mr Bojo trampled 17 of them to death last year during a game of Ludo. A spokesman for the Tokyo government said they’d rather go through another tsunami with its attendant nuclear meltdown than risk letting Mr Bojo loose on their streets again.

Diplomatic wives are reportedly being locked up all over Europe in preparation for the first visit of Mr Bojo and his notoriously roving eye. A source close to the Italian Prime Minister said he was quite prepared to put his three daughters to death rather than expose them to Mr Bojo’s wandering hands. We understand Mrs Bojo is totally sympathetic to this view.

A spokesman for Mrs Marr tried to make sense of the madness, telling us: ‘Well, look, at least he can speak a foreign language. That’ll come in handy, won’t it? I mean, at least he’ll be able to apologise, won’t he? In Latin America, if nowhere else.’

Mr Bojo made a statement last night but we didn’t understand a word. We could just about make out ‘crossing the Rubicon’ and ‘ad altiora¬†tendro!’ then something about the third declension and the nominative singular before a final triumphant volley of ‘dux, ducem, ducis, duci, duce!’ and he was off on his bike. To make Britain proud, presumably.

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