Dalston’s greatest surviving rock star, Sir Ken Pluvver, is to become a father again at the age of ‘Noah. Possibly Adam,’ according to jealous younger sources.
Sir Ken’s actual age is uncertain and attempts to use carbon dating techniques to determine his date of birth failed when he forgot to turn up at the clinic. Local historians claim he served as ground crew during the Battle of Britain and founded his band, the Strolling Bones, to play Glenn Miller covers in the NAAFI of an evening.
Speaking from his oxygen tent this morning, Sir Ken said: ‘Who the hell are you? You’re after my pension book! Nurse! Nurse!’ before falling back into a profound coma, which is where he seems happiest these days.
His wife, a 19-year-old former circus contortionist, is expecting the couple’s child early next year. When we asked her to pose for photographs with unconscious but gently masticating rock legend she shuddered visibly and told us: ‘Not a chance. Would you? Just look at him!’ We offered to put his teeth back in, but she still wouldn’t do it.
The couple – who are said to be ‘very much in love’ by an entirely objective hired underling – were married last year. They honeymooned in Eastbourne, sucking Wether’s Originals on the seafront and making regular visits to A&E where Sir Ken charmed locals and visitors alike by wetting himself and forgetting who he was.
Sir Ken was formerly married to the Texas-born supermodel and horse impersonator Jilly Hool. When we told her about the forthcoming happy event she said: ‘Christ, not again,’ and put the phone down.