Race Organisers Pledge to ‘Keep Fatalities to Absolute Minimum’ This Year

Another event is to join Dalston’s already packed summer of sport. The Dalston Grand Prix – which took place on a trial basis last year – is to become an annual event, according to race organiser, Mr Stirling Testarossa.

‘Last year was a great success,’ Mr Testarossa told the Mercury at a glittering event launch at Greggs yesterday lunchtime, ‘although we obviously have a few teething problems to sort out.’

We asked whether organisers were taking added precautions this year, given the exceptional number if fatalities at last year’s event. ‘Oh, yeah, definitely,’ said Mr Testarossa, ‘safety is our number one concern.’

‘So this year we’ve taken the sensible precaution of paying off the Old Bill, like what Bernie Ecclestone does, probably. We’ll all be a lot safer without the rozzers sniffing around, let me tell you.’

Adjustments have also been made to route of the course. The Balls Pond Road will no longer feature as part of the circuit because ‘it borders on Islington, which would mean a whole load of other load of coppers to bribe.’

The new course will involve: ‘burning it up the Kingsland Road, up Stoke Newington, handbrake turn outside Abney Road cemetery then screw the knackers off it down to Shoreditch High Street. Winner is the first one to pull a doughnut outside that kebab shop after the railway bridge.’

‘We feel that we have created a top quality, high-speed motor racing circuit,’ continued Mr Testarossa, ‘something more in the character of Monza, rather than the more technical kind of venue such as Monaco or Suzuka.’

‘In fact, I would say that the stretch of our circuit going from Chicken Cottage to that bit just before Haggerston Overground Station is very much like Imola’s awe-inspiring Tamburello curve, before they ruined it by making it less lethal.’

Imola
The Imola circuit, home of the San Marino Grand Prix

Mr Testarossa expects the Dalston Grand Prix to be accepted into the international Formula 1 season ‘next year, probably’ but current race rules differ from those of the FIA.

‘Yeah, in order to make the event as accessible as possible, we’ve had to open it to different classifications of vehicles, much like they do at Le Mans,’ said Mr Testarossa, a bit defensively, we thought.

‘So we have introduced classifications for the following kinds of cars: road legal; cut-and-shut; hire; borrowed from neighbour on spurious grounds; and stolen. There is also a small specialised classification for ‘actually insured’ from which we expect the eventual winner to emerge.’

‘We had intended to include a class for ‘on fire’, but someone pointed out that pretty well everyone ended up in that class last year, so there didn’t seem much point. And we had intended to open up the race to electric vehicles, but they’ve proved unexpectedly hard to nick, apparently.’

Mr Testarossa insisted to us that the race would take place at four o’clock in the morning ‘in order to reproduce the glamour and atmosphere of nighttime racing as experienced at the Singapore Grand Prix,’ and was nothing to do with avoiding the filth.

In other carnage-related news: Mr Testarossa’s brother, Mr Clarkson Testarossa, is said to be holidaying ‘abroad, somewhere without an extradition treaty’, after setting fire to London Fields and blowing up his nephew, Terrence ‘little Tel’ Calhoun, while reaching – inadvisably as it turned out – for the stars.

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1 thought on “Race Organisers Pledge to ‘Keep Fatalities to Absolute Minimum’ This Year”

  1. poor `little tel`.
    taken from us in his prime.
    sadly missed.
    as long as he lives on in our minds, he will live on, in our minds.

    Like

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