Dalston’s only UK-based Russian Olympian, Svetlana Godunov, has told the Mercury that she is ‘1000% certain’ that she will be able to prove herself drug-free in order to compete at the Rio games this summer.
‘Da,’ she told us in her manly baritone, ‘I have never taken performance enhancing drugs. Never.’
‘Those flasks of bright green liquid with smoke coming out that they used to give us at the institute were health supplements made from cabbage. Mr Putin himself told me so, while he was attaching the electrodes and injecting me with fluorescent chemicals to make my hair glossy.’
Then she invited us to admire the glossiness of her hair and of her moustache which, we had to admit, was the glossiest we’d ever seen on a 23-year-old female triple-jumper.
When she took a break from bending metal bars and tearing telephone directories in half with her bare hands, we asked Ms Godunov why she thought these ridiculous rumours about the Russian team’s alleged bare-faced cheating had started.
‘It is paranoid Western press, da?’ she boomed while stroking her Adam’s apple thoughtfully, ‘it is corrupt foreign governments striking at resurgent Mother Russia; it is global capitalist running dogs enriching themselves at cost of our proud, young nation; it is… look, how much of this do you want? I could go on for hours, da?’
Then she said she had to go and take a shower because the Lycra was chafing her testicles.
In other cheating Russians news: The entire Russian weightlifting team has been threatened with an Olympic ban after it was discovered that they all glow in the dark. Also, they make television pictures go fuzzy just by standing next to them. The Russian media has blamed aliens or the Americans or whoever’s turn it is today.