Council Votes to Renew Dalston’s Nuclear Deterrent

After a 12-hour debate last night, Dalston councillors voted overwhelmingly in favour of retaining the borough’s independent nuclear deterrent.

Speaking at the dispatch box for the first time as mayor, Selina Marr was asked by the council’s only SNP member whether she would ‘be prepared to press the nuclear button, you murderous Tory cow’.

She replied, to cheers from her colleagues: ‘Of course I would, you Jacobite bedwetter – and I’d bloody love it, too!’ adding only that she regretted Dalston didn’t have enough missiles to have one aimed permanently at Edinburgh.

During the debate the Labour group on the council fraternally tore itself to pieces in the now traditional manner. Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm repeated his suggestion that the missiles could be replaced by giant toilet roll tubes with ‘Bomb’ written on the side, and that thousands of unionised defence workers could be employed ‘holding hands and singing Kumbaya instead of oppressing their overseas proletarian brothers by making guns and stuff’. Labour backbenchers loyally threw things at him and shouted: ‘Sit down, Lenin, for God’s sake.’

Little was made of the fact that Dalston does not actually have any nuclear weapons but, as the mayor reminded councillors, the borough does maintain ‘our right to have them, if we wanted. Which we do’.

Mr Hobsbawm, speaking from beneath a sustained volley of styrofoam cups and spitwads from his own members, suggested that nuclear weapons were rendered unnecessary by the end of the cold war with Islington and Haringey in the 1980s.

Mrs Marr responded by pledging to renew Dalston’s weapons of mass destruction ‘in an increasingly dangerous and unpredictable world,’ citing the emergence of rogue states in Tower Hamlets and Newham as justification for modernising the borough’s arsenal.


nuclear arsenal
Dalston’s nuclear arsenal

Background briefing: A freedom of information request has revealed that Dalston’s weapon of mass destruction is, in fact, a zinc dustbin filled with dog droppings and a sort of napalm made out of shampoo. In times of crisis this weapon’s awesome destructive potential would be launched from the town hall roof by a trebuchet designed and donated by a local scout group. Its effective range is estimated to be ‘far enough to hit Upper Street or, if we’re lucky, Camden Town. Which, let’s face it, would be doing everyone a favour.’

The borough’s submarine fleet was decommissioned last year after complaints from swimmers at London Fields Lido.



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