The official Dalston spokesman for Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump sought to lay to rest accusations of plagiarism against members of Mr Trump’s family today.
‘The Trump campaign never has and never will use the words of others to further our noble ends,’ said Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps movement. ‘In fact, never, in the field of human bullshit, has so much garbage been spouted by so many liberals about so few. Lines in a speech, that is.’
Defending Mr Trump’s wife, Melania, against claims that she had brazenly swiped great bloody chunks of her convention speech, Mr Oregon told the Mercury: ‘I know she has the body but of a totally awesome babe; but she has the heart and speechwriter of a king, and of a king of England too’, while sounding a bit like Helen Mirren.
‘I have a dream,’ he went on, only now with a pronounced southern inflection, ‘that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the originality of their rhetoric, but by the content of their character. And whether they’re Muslim or not.’
‘And if anyone continues to make these completely unfounded accusations,’ he continued, only in a gruff, I-was-born-at-Blenheim-Palace kind of way, ‘we will fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets; we shall never surrender until every goddamn wetback Mexican – no matter how innocent of any crime – is thrown back over that great wall of liberty and justice to Tijuana.’
Then, adopting a white bread Bostonian accent he cried ‘Ich bin ein Berliner!’ for no apparent reason before striding away trying to hold his hair on with those tiny little hands of his.