Labour Leader ‘Opposed to Abuse’ Shock

Dalston’s embattled Labour leader, Aneurin Hobsbawm, has made a powerful statement to his council colleagues, in which he made the novel claim that ‘abuse has no place in our party’.

Clearly bewildered by what they were hearing, rebel Labour councillors eventually stopped laughing long enough for one of them to ask Mr Hobsbawm: ‘What the hell are you on about, you desiccated Trotskyite arsehole?’

The Labour party has recently cornered the market in all kinds of abuse, overtaking traditional abuse specialists such as football hooligans, Republican Party Presidential candidates and the Central Abuse Committee of the English Defence League as the world’s leading purveyor of misogyny, anti-Semitism, ageism, sexism, racism and Angela Eagle-ism.

The Labour party fraternally kick one another’s teeth in yesterday

One Labour councillor – who asked not to be named unless his house got burned down again – told the Mercury: ‘It’s a bit rich coming out against abuse this late in the game. If we give up on abuse, what else do we have? Abuse aimed at, and from, our fraternal colleagues is all we know. It’s the only thing keeping the Labour party going, is abuse.’

Polls have shown that Labour trails the Tories by 50 points when members of the public were asked which party they consider most trustworthy on the economy, taxation, foreign policy, education, defence, culture, haircuts, cute puppies and corned beef.

But when asked which party they would most trust to deliver a pulverising tsunami of vile invective, filth, bile and poisonous vituperation, Labour led all other parties by 100 points.

After his statement we attempted to ask the fleeing Mr Hobsbawm a question, but he just yelled something about ‘a kinder, fairer politics, you moronic scumbags,’ before telling a minder to ‘smash their faces in and then troll them mercilessly on Twitter’.

‘And have the rest of these bastards deselected, pronto,’ we think he said.



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