During the current spell of warm weather, Dalston’s police chief has appealed to residents to avoid causing ‘the wrong kind of trouble’.
‘Obviously,’ Chief Inspector Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘it’s the summer, it’s nice and hot, everyone’s walking about half naked – it’s all going to kick off at some point.’
‘It’s just that,’ he continued, ‘me and the lads have been a bit disappointed in recent years by the quality of mindless summer violence we’ve had to deal with here in Dalston.’
‘The quantity of thuggish bloodletting has never been a problem, obviously, and we’re grateful for that. No, it’s the quality of the gratuitous brutality we feel let down by. It’s just not summery enough.’
Chief Inspector Slipper’s colleagues in Westminster and Kensington & Chelsea enjoy a summer of predictable, festive violence thanks to the Notting Hill Carnival and good-natured water fights in Hyde Park getting out of hand and leading to multiple well-meant seasonal fatalities. He would like the citizens of Dalston to channel their murderous inclinations in a more season-specific way.
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ said Inspector Slipper, ‘we appreciate all the bestial carnage the people of Dalston inflict on one another – it keeps us in work, after all. And this summer we’ve been especially thankful for the local Labour party on that front, what with all the internecine vendettas and the back-stabbing, the eye-gouging and the blowing each other up and everything.’
‘But we’d really like to do something more in keeping with the climatic conditions, you know? Like pretending to enjoy goat curry, for example, to a soundtrack of a bass-heavy R&B / Calypso mash-up.’
‘Or letting little black kiddies wear our helmets while we dance arrhythmically with their jolly, fat mums. Before chasing their teenage brothers down an alley and giving them a bloody good hiding. And then falsifying the paperwork to make it look like the Yardies did it.’
‘That’s proper summer policing, that is. That’s why we all joined the force in the first place.’
Then Inspector Slipper got his truncheon out and offered to show us how he humanely and responsibly beat the crap out of the Labour finance spokesman when she was trying to run over her party leader in a JCB. But he’d got that look in his eye like they do in Vietnam films, so we came home instead.