Sir Philip ‘Not up to Standards of Probity Demanded by Kebab Industry’ – Report

A damning report from Dalston councillors has found that local alleged billionaire Sir Philip ‘Honest John’ Breen extracted valuable assets from a company he subsequently sold, leaving the business ‘on life support’.

‘That git is the unacceptable face of capitalism,’ said Councillor Daisy Meadow, co-chair of the Sir Philip is a Bastard council committee. ‘One person – if you can call him that – and one person alone is to blame for this almighty balls-up, and it’s that oily perma-tanned gut-bucket Sir Philip Breen.’

Sir Philip had owned the flagship company, Dalston’s famed Recep Tayyip Erdogan kebab house, for fifteen years. He is alleged to have removed all the fixtures and fittings, emptied the till, filled his pockets with falafel and taken a massive dump on the floor before selling the business to a congenital idiot who was doing five-to-twelve in Wandsworth prison at the time.

BHS pension
Unrelated graphic representing average value of a BHS pension

Sir Philip, who denies any wrongdoing, stated last month that he would ‘sort the mess out. I’ll definitely give the falafel back at any rate.’

The entrepreneur who once was said to ‘bestride Dalston’s kebab institutions like a grotesque Brilliantined colossus’ is now facing a battle to retain his title, which he was awarded ten years ago in recognition for his services to chilli sauce and imaginative bookkeeping.

He currently resides with a dreadful wife in his gaudily decorated lair beneath an extinct volcano, and patriotically hides his money under a rock in Luxembourg.

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