The Dalston Olympic Committee has confirmed that it fully supports the International Olympic Committee’s morally courageous decision to allow the Russian team to take part in the Rio games despite years of enthusiastic state sponsored cheating and then years of state sponsored fibbing about doing it. (So, like Lance Armstrong, only involving an entire country, its government, its secret policemen, its pharmaceutical industry, the Bolshoi Ballet (probably), those dolls that fit inside one another, some cossacks, a catastrophically inefficient collective farm and Catherine the Great. Drinking potato vodka. With Leo Tolstoy. On a steppe. Watching The Battleship Potemkin.)
‘This is just the sort of thing the Russians get up to,’ simpered Dalston Olympic chief, Dr Otterly Craven, ‘we shouldn’t judge them too harshly – they just can’t help it. Cheating and corruption are a part of everyday life to the Russians, so who are we to judge them?’
‘It would be culturally insensitive of us to expect them to behave like everyone else,’ she continued, spinelessly, ‘Asking a Russian not to cheat is like asking a Scotsman to eat broccoli – it’s just not going to happen.’
We asked whether there was anyone else the Olympic Committee might allow to get away with murder, on grounds of cultural sensitivity. Dr Craven though for a minute and then said: ‘Well Dr Crippen and Myra Hindley might have been given the benefit of the doubt I suppose, if they’d been shot-putters or something.’
‘And,’ she said, itching the yellow streak on her back, ‘if King Herod had been a syncronized swimmer we might have overlooked that whole ‘massacre of the innocents’ thing, given the prevailing pro-infanticide culture of the time.’
Then we asked whether Idi Amin would have been allowed to do table tennis and she said yes, ‘because to say no would have looked a bit racist.’
The Mercury asked Sepp Blatter for his views on the International Olympic Committee’s ruling. His Dalston spokesman said that Mr Blatter had never known such an utter shower of gutless, self-serving, pusillanimous, recreants in all his born days. And he’s been around.