A well-known Dalston burger chain has provoked a furious response on social media after allegedly luring members of staff to a ‘family fun day with cake and balloons and everything’ and then having them beaten up by loan sharks.
The chief executive of Percy Bysshe Shelley Burgers, which operates up to one branch in the area, claims he has been the victim of a ‘Twitter-beasting’ after another, larger and frankly, better, burger chain had earlier ‘sold out it’s employees to the feds’.
‘Burger bashing suddenly became a thing on the internet,’ Mr Fernando Woppah told the Mercury, ‘I’m just an innocent victim. The last thing I need is to have my staff beaten up or deported. There’s only three of us and one of those is my gran who does weekends.’
‘We did organise a family fun day for employees, but that was to say thank you for sorting out those badgers that were living under the stove.’
‘And there was a loan shark-related beating, but that’s always happening to Daft Tony, my sous chef. He’s got a thing for collecting those little crystal animals. He cheerfully accepts regular hospitalisation if it means he’s able to feed his habit.’
Several prominent celebrities were, predictably, among those jumping on a social media bandwagon of abuse before knowing what the hell they were talking about. A well-known actor and voluble critic of absolutely everything, tweeted: ‘Will never eat @ Shelley Burger again. Poisonous Nazi filth!’
‘It’s not on,’ said Mr Woppah, ‘we’ve heard the ‘poisonous filth’ stuff before. We hear it daily, actually. But the ‘nazi’ bit is off the mark. I’m a Liberal Democrat for heaven’s sake!’
‘Also we counted 137 stand-up comedians each of whom tweeted to accuse us of causing global warming and plotting to bring down Jeremy Corbyn! All because Daft Tony wants to complete his Wind in the Willows collection.’
In a statement this morning, the Home Office confirmed that it has no interest in deporting Mr Woppah or any of his employees, although they might send health and safety round to check on the badger situation.
The stand-up comedians were said to be ‘unrepentant’ and ‘standing up for the NHS’, whatever that has to do with anything.