Sales of trouser suits that sit just a little too snug around the buttocks have hit an all time high in Dalston as local women came out en masse for Hilary Clinton this morning.
Following the Democratic nominee’s acceptance speech last night, local mothers have been booking themselves in for sensible ash-blonde blow-waves and have begun bear-hugging any slender black gentlemen who happen to be passing, provided they’re wearing a presentable, slim-cut suit. Chuka Umunna barely escaped with his life, apparently.
Men in ill-fitting toupees, meanwhile, have been mercilessly cold-shouldered.
‘Hillary is an inspiration to us all,’ said local working mum, Mrs Gaia al Fresco this morning, ‘we all wanted to get behind her. So every one of us was up at dawn, emailing with insufficient regard to national security. It’s the least we can do to show our support.’
Many local women told the Mercury that they are now turning a blind eye to their husbands’ liaisons with workplace trollops, even when these involve cigars and threats of impeachment.
‘In fact, we’ve even started a rent-a-trollop collective,’ said Mrs al Fresco, ‘so that all our husbands have the opportunity to behave disgracefully with a vulnerable intern and we, correspondingly, can share Hillary’s pain. We even supply the cigars and tell the trollops what to do with them. Some of these young girls are terribly naive!’
‘Also,’ she went on, ‘we’ve all been practising pointing at things. Pointing at things and grinning while striding confidently across a stage; these unique skills are what qualifies Hillary to be leader of the free world. That and respect for the constitution, natch.’
We asked whether Mrs al Fresco and her fellow Hillaryphiles were equally inspired by, say, Prime Minister Theresa May, but she just narrowed her eyes and hissed ‘Tory!’, so we took that as a no.
In other US Presidential News: Men with small hands, odd hair or scant regard for the accepted norms of human decency have been banned from a newsagent’s shop in Stoke Newington. Tiny penises are not allowed either, but we’re not sure how they’ll tell. Unless Donald Trump walks in, obviously.