A Dalston couple have denied being the winners of last night’s £61 million Euromillions draw, despite embarking on a spectacularly vulgar program of home improvements.
‘Nah, mate, it’s not us,’ said Mr Stan Bulgari, 63, of the Clement Attlee Estate, ‘we’re having the bricks gold plated because of mildew. It’s certainly not an ostentatious display of unearned wealth, or nothing.’
‘Scheduled construction works that will create a two-storey mega basement beneath the property,’ he went on, ‘are a necessary response to subsidence and sink holes plaguing the Dalston area due to the collapse of old lead mines and that.’
Speaking as a team of Savile Row tailors fitted him for a gold lamé suit, Mr Bulgari told the Mercury: ‘It is purely by chance that I needed somewhere to display my recently acquired collection of Elvis-themed pinball machines, jukeboxes and the embalmed corpse of The King himself, what I have mainly been keeping in my brother’s loft till last Tuesday.’
The agreed purchase of eight neighbouring back gardens ‘was concluded successfully at the White Horse last night,’ said Mr Bulgari, drinking tea out of a Spode goblet. ‘We need a pool that big, see, because of my wife’s important ecological work. We can’t keep a rare albino dolphin in the bath forever, can we?’
Pausing to sign for the delivery of his yacht, Mr Bulgari confirmed that funds for the renovation of his home had come from ‘shrewd investments on the markets. Somalian treasury bonds and, er, corned beef futures, mainly.’
‘Definitely not the lottery, though,’ said Mr Bulgari, a semi-professional gravel-bagger, before going off to watch his grandson playing keepie-uppie with a Fabergé egg.